Well, that was fun. Thank you for all of the reading, liking, commenting and roasting at our expense that came from Pt. 1 of the mailbag. Ray Clark told us that “this endeavor is some wild hubris,” and he’s absolutely right.
We promised that the second edition would feature non-sports questions, but it turned out that most of the non-sports questions would put us on federal watch lists. I am trying to find a post-MBA job in a tanking economy and made the executive decision to avoid discussing robot sex.
So, we present to you a hybrid. But before we do, we’d like to shamelessly plug an upcoming podcast/video series that we’re launching this week. I somehow convinced Pat and a few others to fill their sports void by joining me and watching the new season of MTV’s The Challenge, of which I have been a closeted fan for 15 years. Not only did they agree, but they have spent he past week watching multiple seasons and breaking down tape. Pat even slid into a cast member’s DMs.
This could be an unmitigated disaster, but our plan is to record and release a Zoom call where we break down each episode in a podcast-style format. (I once hosted an AM football radio show in high school with an estimated audience of 33 people, so I definitely know what I’m doing.) Assuming it is not a total train wreck, we’ll hopefully post the first episode, which will also feature a live draft of our Challenge fantasy league, by Friday. (The season premiere airs tonight.)
Let’s get to your questions.
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I have been watching Tiger King on Netflix and while the show inspires many different trains of thoughts, one thing that amazed me is just how large these Tigers and Lions are and just how dangerous it would be to get into an enclosure with them. Not only do they average 300-400lbs, years of evolution have given them significant advantages over the average human (claws, teeth, body of pure muscle). Without an advanced weapon, it would be impossible to kill one of these animals 1-on-1 with your bare hands. However, these large felines are obviously out of both of our weight classes. So my question is, is there any animal that is in your weight class that you think you would stand a fighter’s chance in a ThunderDome style, two creatures enter, one creature leaves scenario? Obviously all aquatic life does not qualify and assume the animal is aware this is a life or death situation so they all have the same level of aggression. I did some research and found this website that lists average weights for species. Weight class can range + or - 10lbs as you prep for the match. (https://thewebsiteofeverything.com/animals/mammals/adult-weight.html)
Sean Ratchford from Oakhurst, California
Zach: Very few pieces of modern art have caused Americans to think as creatively and critically as Tiger King. I’ll be honest and say that my biggest takeaway from a series about illegal animal breeding, murder, suicide, a protagonist named Joe Exotic, rampant drug use, FBI snitches and redneck “libertarian” political campaigns in Oklahoma was not a theoretical 1-on-1 battle with an animal, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
The biggest issue with this question is that the provided list is in kilograms and is forcing us to do math, which Pat claims to be good at but neither of us can do well. My weight, 178.6lbs (sup?), converts to approximately 81kg. I’ll use a +/- 5kg rule.
I almost chose the Javan pig but learned that it was a critically endangered animal. I am not a monster, and Tiger King has nudged me closer to the PETA side of the spectrum. The only other realistic animal in my weight class is Ibex, an herbivorous mountain goat. I was definitely worried about those horns, but the article says they stay up all night trying to fade predators when they’re not eating plants. That sounds like a soft, defensive animal that does not look for contact.
YouTube begs to differ. Look at this move off of the top rope at 1:45. And this is a mating ritual, not a fight to the death. I sympathize with the lucky lady.
The answer to your question is: no. Every animal within 15-20kg would definitely kill me.
Pat: A truly Shakespearean question posed by my friend Sean. I especially like the qualification of "advanced weaponry." If anyone was going to send me a link to every animal on earth and their corresponding weight, it was going to be him.
To answer your question directly and succinctly. No. Absolutely not. I weighed 175 pounds (79ish kilograms) before this Covid fiasco. I'm just gonna assume my muscle atrophy has been matched by my trash diet so I'll peg myself at about that. And my 175 pounds is not 175 pounds of D1 wrestling. It's 175 pounds of "once was nationally ranked in Halo." I'm taking a massive L to everything plus minus 10 pounds. Not that you need it but I'll walk you through it. My non aquatic options are:
Ibex: That thing is stabbing me with gusto. Like, it is going to enjoy killing me.
Lesser Kudu: Luckily not the greater one, because those will fuck you up. This is probably the animal I have the best chance at killing and it will still accidentally stab me to death.
Jaguar: Lol
Javan Warty Pig: This thing is facing "a very high risk of extinction in the wild." I'm pretty sure it's ready for this. Also it has sharp ass tusks. I've seen Game of Thrones, I know how this goes.
Nilgiri Tahr: Gains the high ground and horns me real good like. Also facing extinction. We should probably work on that climate change thing.
Honestly, I don't think I have a shot at killing anything on that list until we get down to Aardvark, and even that's probably spotty. 140 pounds of Aardvark isn't going down easy.
What is the most satanic animal?
Trevor Stengel from Cincinnati, Ohio
Pat: To really hammer home how bad of a place I'm in right now, the first thing that came to mind is this picture which my coworker sent me a couple years ago when Pokémon GO was taking over people's lives.
Just, why? Getting back to the question, I think the answer is goat, right? Isn't that thing that satanic people sacrifice? And they wear the goat horns? I feel like Googling this ruins the sanctity of the mailbag so hopefully I'm not making all of this up or people are going to have serious questions.
Beyond just parlaying what Satanists use for their blood sacrifices, I'd probably say a vulture. Those things have faces made for radio, look mean as hell 24/7, and have talons that wouldn't be out of place on a lion. And the whole savaging on things that have died for their entire existence is about the bleakest possible way to survive. I'll take the rotting corpse devourer for 800, Alex.
Zach: Super weird that you took “satanic” so literally, Pat. Are you okay?
I grew up in Florida, which is America’s Australia. We have every satanic animal that could make this list. I routinely saw venomous snakes and alligators. My brother was bitten by a squirrel (in Georgia, not Florida, but there’s no difference). My friend’s dog was attacked by an otter in a retention pond. We had spiders, centipedes, millipedes, scorpions, and virtually everything in between in my house on a routine basis. I don’t say this to brag but to add some credibility to my answer and to discredit Pat’s, which comes from a life of privilege.
The most satanic animal is the raccoon, and it’s not even close.
Raccoons are fearless and rabid. They will eat your trash, make a giant mess, and then try to alpha you into submission. I prefer animals that have come to understand their place in the food chain. There’s no other land rodent that fails to comprehend the dominance of humankind. Raccoons think they’re dinosaurs.
Get the fuck away from me.
I was walking home late one night in college and got startled by a raccoon that was nose deep in a dumpster, looking like a synchronized swimmer with its little raccoon legs kicking around while it sniffed for some rotting fruit or whatever they eat. I minded my own business and kept walking, but the thing did a somersault and vaulted out of the dumpster and started chasing me. I did all the things I thought you were supposed to do with aggressive animals (loud noises, made myself look big [tough to do my freshman year], kicked my legs, etc.), but it kept pursuing. I ran at least 100 yards before it got distracted by what was probably the scent of feces.
And then there are those demonic eyes. A raccoon always looks like Pennywise from IT hanging out in the storm drain, except Pennywise sticks to himself most of the time and targets very specific people. Raccoons are equal-opportunity harassers. They do not discriminate.
What player is significantly better than his stats and why?
Jacob Jaffe from Huntington Beach, CA
Zach: I feel like this question was an attempt to bait me into waxing poetically about Markelle Fultz and what could (COULD) go down as the most lopsided trade in NBA history. Some people are saying he looks like a young Jason Kidd.
This is kind of a random answer, but it’s Carolina Panthers WR Curtis Samuel. In the 2019 season, Samuel had 54 catches for 627 yards and 6 TDs. The year before, his rookie season, he had 494 yards and 5 TDs. That is Breshad Perriman territory.
I was a repeat visitor to this Twitter thread, which was diligently updated throughout the course of the NFL season. It just contains clips and light commentary of Kyle Allen missing a very open Curtis Samuel 12(!) times. I went through the exercise and couldn’t think of many teams that would have failed to get him to 1,000 yards, let alone 627. Patrick Mahomes would turn this guy into prime DeSean Jackson.
My other answer is Jarrett Allen of the Nets, but people are really sick of me talking about Jarrett Allen. I just want to say, truthfully, in case this sweetens the deal, that I would physically carry him from Brooklyn to Orlando to replace Vuc if that’s what it took.
Pat: Curtis Samuel is on my dynasty team so I am also familiar with that Twitter thread. As for the question, I'd start this by pointing out that we don't have adequate stats for the majority of football players outside of the skill positions. Can you name the top 10 offensive linemen or even the top 10 corners? I can't either. So the answer is probably some dope offensive lineman wasting away on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers who is quietly getting paid $15M a year.
But my answer is Mike Trout. And I'm sure this will be met with, "but Pat, he has incredible stats, that's a terrible answer." And my response is, you're right and I don't care. This is my (Zach's) mailbag and I can write about whatever I want. And in this answer I want to write about how the MLB has the greatest baseball player of all time and is completely wasting his awesomeness. I'd ask when the last time you went through his stats was, but I'm guessing the answer is never because he is wasting away in purgatory on the Angels. Look at this shit:
It's preposterous. He already has the 86th most WAR in the history of baseball and he's 28. He's barely into his prime. It's a travesty that Trout isn't more celebrated. And while part of this is his fault for re-signing with the league’s most blah team, most of it is on the MLB who gets more offended at people posting highlights on twitter than teams who cheat their way to World Series wins. Please stop killing America's pastime.
The Olympics have two other sports besides tennis with the same concept of using something (racket/paddle) to hit an object back and forth over a net. They are badminton and table tennis. Between those two, which sport do you think requires more skill/harder to play? Which would you prefer to go pro in?
Brian Howell from Cincinnati, OH
Pat: I am legitimately torn by which one is harder. I've seen comical rallies in both ping pong and badminton and they are equally ridiculous. I know I’ve never been hornier for sports than this very moment, but these sports are being extremely slept on from a spectator perspective. Anyway, it's possible I am swayed by being a somewhat proficient ping pong player but I'm going to have to go with badminton for a couple reasons.
I remember it being quite a bit harder than it looked in high school PE.
I'm pretty sure the shuttlecock (heh) can travel over 200 mph or something like that.
There's way more running and the rallies consistently last a long time. Not a ton of running. But definitely more than table tennis. Look how tired those guys are.
Did I mention the object goes 200 mph.
As for the second part of the question, I would much rather go pro in ping pong. If my entire life is centered around a somewhat obscure sport, I would at least want to be able to show that skill off semi regularly. Not a lot of badminton courts posted up around the states outside of family BBQs, and I'm not trying to go Meet the Parents on someone's aunt just to prove my life's work was worth it. That being said, I'd amend this statement based on potential salaries of each sport. You'll be shocked to hear I have absolutely no concept of what these players are making.
Zach: I would still prefer to go pro in something other than sports.
Table tennis or, if you aren’t a narc, ping pong, is one of the more humbling games out there. You can be king dick among your group of friends and then get completely embarrassed by somebody with a small amount of formal training. I once watched a VICE video about a 16-year-old table tennis prodigy, and the kids go to school at ping pong academies and spend hours working on their footwork. I can’t remember the last time I played without drinking.
I still believe table tennis would be harder to play professionally, but some research led me to some interesting facts. Google estimates that 300M people play table tennis around the world, but 220M play badminton. That is a lot of badminton. Still, 80M fewer people means there’s less competition to make it to the big leagues. I just assume I’ll be poor either way and that I’m in it for the glory and the chance to represent my country at the Olympics. Also, the movement of the shuttlecock and the length of badminton rallies are mesmerizing. It’s like playing a game exclusively made up of Tim Wakefield knuckleballs.
Finally, in the one thread I found on the Internet that addresses this exact question (shoutout MyTableTennis.net), I got this answer:
Hard to argue with The Shakehander. This guy must be swimming in it.
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Thanks again for reading and sending questions. There will be a part three, so keep them coming.
We’d like to once more plug the upcoming Zoom/podcast/video of our fantasy draft and first episode recap of The Challenge. Tune in tonight so you can kill your brain cells and understand what we’re talking about.