No Sports Chronicles: Day 33 (Running)

Because I enjoy rotting my brain, I have spent a lot of time on Twitter lately (lately meaning the past 10 years). One of Twitter’s favorite topics during the COVID era is a discussion of the two paths people can choose during quarantine. Apparently you can either develop bad habits and eat and drink yourself into a coma or you can work on self-improvement projects that you’ve never had time for in the past because you were too busy eating and drinking yourself into a coma.

This is the face I make when I’m leading a serious discussion about reality television.

I have a (previously discussed) YouTube addiction, my wife loves baking pies, and I am a Grade A napper. I am a runaway train down the first path of degeneracy. The mission for me, therefore, is finding a way to mix a little bit of the good with the bad. This blog and our reality TV podcast (watch The Challenge and subscribe) are good, creative outlets that have caused me to dream about #content. Check out at this picture of me with my new podcasting mic.

I love my mic.

But by far the most shocking development is that I started running during quarantine. This is notable because, historically, I have always hated running.

This aversion doesn’t make a ton of sense. My parents used to run marathons with me in the baby jogger, which must have been a delightful experience as a one-year-old in Los Angeles. (It is currently snowing in Ann Arbor [it is April 15] and I would pay $1,000 to get pushed 26 miles in the California sun.) You would think that early exposure would get the legs turning, but I always gravitated toward the water as a kid.

My college roommate, now a professional runner, was one of the best high school and college distance runners in American history. When we were moving into the dorms, I joked to Chris’s mom that, because he was a Stanford athlete, he must be pretty fast. Turns out, he was really fucking fast. I loved going to his races, but I was personally more concerned with inhaling preworkout and throwing around weights with horrible form than I was with trying to become a runner. It is no coincidence that this was the period in which my body began to morph into the shape of a toaster.

Now, knocking on 30’s door and with a global pandemic causing some serious introspection, I felt like it was time to give it one more shot. I hurt my back lifting and decided that universal gym closings were a sign to move on to another fitness pursuit. I am happy to report, nearly 40 miles later, that I think it’s finally caught on.

Here are my very pedestrian stats:

• Longest run: March 23, 2020: 8 miles at 9:34/mile

  • Key takeaways: a blister and a better understanding of why people tape their nipples during long runs. I had never run more than three miles before starting in mid-March, so this felt like a herculean effort.

• Fastest 5K: April 10, 2020: 24:20

  • Key takeaways: Chris broke the American Junior record in the 5K as a freshman, when he posted a time of 13:29. I’m coming for that ass (if you provide me a 10-minute head start).

• Fastest mile: April 5, 2020: 6:57.

  • Key takeaways: Hurt my achilles and learned about lactic acid. New goal is to run a sub-6.

• Pounds lost: 6

  • Sent some of my friends a shirtless progress pic today and promise not to do that again, I’m sorry.

Generally, I feel better on days that I run and my baseline mood is more positive than it likely would have been under similar conditions. I am still sort of shaped like a toaster, but the running has made me more religious about stretching, which has actually helped my lifting and led to some physical improvements. I doubt I will ever join a running club (no offense) and I don’t feel like a cheetah or whatever meditative shit some people tap into when they’re running. But overall, this has been a nice if not surprising addition to my life.

What I watched today on YouTube

Obviously running. I am deep in the hole of comeback videos, and this one was possibly the most insane. I don’t love that USC is the protagonist, but I can make a one-time exception because I consider myself a bit of a running underdog (not to brag).

I suggest you watch the entire race, but here is the context. It’s the 2018 NCAA Championships. Kentucky has Olympian Sydney McLaughlin. Purdue gets out to a big lead. And USC’s first three laps are horrific.

Here are three key moments from the race:

• [3:33]: We dive in at the start of the final lap, which essentially turns into a mosh pit. Two women bump into each other, USC bobbles the handoff, and then USC and Kentucky get into a shouldering match about 20M into the final 400M.

• [3:54]: We get our first look at the gap between USC and first-place Purdue (the thumbnail of this video). I am not an expert, but I would describe that separation as “a lot.”

• [4:14]: Just an all-time announcer jinx. One commentator says “I just don’t know if Purdue can be caught” and the other suggests that the only way that could happen is if they “drop the baton.” Right as that happens, Kendall Ellis, the USC anchor, goes into some wild hyperspeed mode and just dusts the Purdue runner. Look how far back she is going into the final stretch:

More like Purdon’t count your chickens before they hatch. What a fun race. Can’t wait to get outside today and run about 10x slower than every athlete in that clip.

What I listened to today

I saw Doso as part of a Sofar show this summer in Chicago. This song deserves more than 765 views, 300 of which are mine.

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I’d love to hear from fellow runners in the comments about what got you into running, the music/podcasts you listen to if you’re shaped like a toaster and want to be distracted, and your best running achievement(s) (as long as they aren’t too much better than mine).

Hang in there. Sports will be back soon(?)

No Sports Chronicles: Day 20 (Mailbag Pt. 2)

Well, that was fun. Thank you for all of the reading, liking, commenting and roasting at our expense that came from Pt. 1 of the mailbag. Ray Clark told us that “this endeavor is some wild hubris,” and he’s absolutely right.

We promised that the second edition would feature non-sports questions, but it turned out that most of the non-sports questions would put us on federal watch lists. I am trying to find a post-MBA job in a tanking economy and made the executive decision to avoid discussing robot sex.

So, we present to you a hybrid. But before we do, we’d like to shamelessly plug an upcoming podcast/video series that we’re launching this week. I somehow convinced Pat and a few others to fill their sports void by joining me and watching the new season of MTV’s The Challenge, of which I have been a closeted fan for 15 years. Not only did they agree, but they have spent he past week watching multiple seasons and breaking down tape. Pat even slid into a cast member’s DMs.

This could be an unmitigated disaster, but our plan is to record and release a Zoom call where we break down each episode in a podcast-style format. (I once hosted an AM football radio show in high school with an estimated audience of 33 people, so I definitely know what I’m doing.) Assuming it is not a total train wreck, we’ll hopefully post the first episode, which will also feature a live draft of our Challenge fantasy league, by Friday. (The season premiere airs tonight.)

Let’s get to your questions.

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I have been watching Tiger King on Netflix and while the show inspires many different trains of thoughts, one thing that amazed me is just how large these Tigers and Lions are and just how dangerous it would be to get into an enclosure with them. Not only do they average 300-400lbs, years of evolution have given them significant advantages over the average human (claws, teeth, body of pure muscle). Without an advanced weapon, it would be impossible to kill one of these animals 1-on-1 with your bare hands. However, these large felines are obviously out of both of our weight classes. So my question is, is there any animal that is in your weight class that you think you would stand a fighter’s chance in a ThunderDome style, two creatures enter, one creature leaves scenario? Obviously all aquatic life does not qualify and assume the animal is aware this is a life or death situation so they all have the same level of aggression. I did some research and found this website that lists average weights for species. Weight class can range + or - 10lbs as you prep for the match. (https://thewebsiteofeverything.com/animals/mammals/adult-weight.html)

Sean Ratchford from Oakhurst, California

Zach: Very few pieces of modern art have caused Americans to think as creatively and critically as Tiger King. I’ll be honest and say that my biggest takeaway from a series about illegal animal breeding, murder, suicide, a protagonist named Joe Exotic, rampant drug use, FBI snitches and redneck “libertarian” political campaigns in Oklahoma was not a theoretical 1-on-1 battle with an animal, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The biggest issue with this question is that the provided list is in kilograms and is forcing us to do math, which Pat claims to be good at but neither of us can do well. My weight, 178.6lbs (sup?), converts to approximately 81kg. I’ll use a +/- 5kg rule. 

I almost chose the Javan pig but learned that it was a critically endangered animal. I am not a monster, and Tiger King has nudged me closer to the PETA side of the spectrum. The only other realistic animal in my weight class is Ibex, an herbivorous mountain goat. I was definitely worried about those horns, but the article says they stay up all night trying to fade predators when they’re not eating plants. That sounds like a soft, defensive animal that does not look for contact.

YouTube begs to differ. Look at this move off of the top rope at 1:45. And this is a mating ritual, not a fight to the death. I sympathize with the lucky lady. 

The answer to your question is: no. Every animal within 15-20kg would definitely kill me. 

Pat: A truly Shakespearean question posed by my friend Sean. I especially like the qualification of "advanced weaponry." If anyone was going to send me a link to every animal on earth and their corresponding weight, it was going to be him.

 To answer your question directly and succinctly. No. Absolutely not. I weighed 175 pounds (79ish kilograms) before this Covid fiasco. I'm just gonna assume my muscle atrophy has been matched by my trash diet so I'll peg myself at about that. And my 175 pounds is not 175 pounds of D1 wrestling. It's 175 pounds of "once was nationally ranked in Halo." I'm taking a massive L to everything plus minus 10 pounds.  Not that you need it but I'll walk you through it. My non aquatic options are:

• Ibex: That thing is stabbing me with gusto. Like, it is going to enjoy killing me.

• Lesser Kudu: Luckily not the greater one, because those will fuck you up. This is probably the animal I have the best chance at killing and it will still accidentally stab me to death.

• Jaguar: Lol

• Javan Warty Pig: This thing is facing "a very high risk of extinction in the wild." I'm pretty sure it's ready for this. Also it has sharp ass tusks. I've seen Game of Thrones, I know how this goes.

• Nilgiri Tahr: Gains the high ground and horns me real good like. Also facing extinction. We should probably work on that climate change thing.

Honestly, I don't think I have a shot at killing anything on that list until we get down to Aardvark, and even that's probably spotty. 140 pounds of Aardvark isn't going down easy. 

What is the most satanic animal?

Trevor Stengel from Cincinnati, Ohio

Pat: To really hammer home how bad of a place I'm in right now, the first thing that came to mind is this picture which my coworker sent me a couple years ago when Pokémon GO was taking over people's lives.

Just, why? Getting back to the question, I think the answer is goat, right? Isn't that thing that satanic people sacrifice? And they wear the goat horns? I feel like Googling this ruins the sanctity of the mailbag so hopefully I'm not making all of this up or people are going to have serious questions.

Beyond just parlaying what Satanists use for their blood sacrifices, I'd probably say a vulture. Those things have faces made for radio, look mean as hell 24/7, and have talons that wouldn't be out of place on a lion. And the whole savaging on things that have died for their entire existence is about the bleakest possible way to survive. I'll take the rotting corpse devourer for 800, Alex.

Zach: Super weird that you took “satanic” so literally, Pat. Are you okay?

I grew up in Florida, which is America’s Australia. We have every satanic animal that could make this list. I routinely saw venomous snakes and alligators. My brother was bitten by a squirrel (in Georgia, not Florida, but there’s no difference). My friend’s dog was attacked by an otter in a retention pond. We had spiders, centipedes, millipedes, scorpions, and virtually everything in between in my house on a routine basis. I don’t say this to brag but to add some credibility to my answer and to discredit Pat’s, which comes from a life of privilege. 

The most satanic animal is the raccoon, and it’s not even close.

Raccoons are fearless and rabid. They will eat your trash, make a giant mess, and then try to alpha you into submission. I prefer animals that have come to understand their place in the food chain. There’s no other land rodent that fails to comprehend the dominance of humankind. Raccoons think they’re dinosaurs.

Get the fuck away from me.

I was walking home late one night in college and got startled by a raccoon that was nose deep in a dumpster, looking like a synchronized swimmer with its little raccoon legs kicking around while it sniffed for some rotting fruit or whatever they eat. I minded my own business and kept walking, but the thing did a somersault and vaulted out of the dumpster and started chasing me. I did all the things I thought you were supposed to do with aggressive animals (loud noises, made myself look big [tough to do my freshman year], kicked my legs, etc.), but it kept pursuing. I ran at least 100 yards before it got distracted by what was probably the scent of feces. 

And then there are those demonic eyes. A raccoon always looks like Pennywise from IT hanging out in the storm drain, except Pennywise sticks to himself most of the time and targets very specific people. Raccoons are equal-opportunity harassers. They do not discriminate.

What player is significantly better than his stats and why? 

Jacob Jaffe from Huntington Beach, CA

Zach: I feel like this question was an attempt to bait me into waxing poetically about Markelle Fultz and what could (COULD) go down as the most lopsided trade in NBA history. Some people are saying he looks like a young Jason Kidd. 

This is kind of a random answer, but it’s Carolina Panthers WR Curtis Samuel. In the 2019 season, Samuel had 54 catches for 627 yards and 6 TDs. The year before, his rookie season, he had 494 yards and 5 TDs. That is Breshad Perriman territory.  

I was a repeat visitor to this Twitter thread, which was diligently updated throughout the course of the NFL season. It just contains clips and light commentary of Kyle Allen missing a very open Curtis Samuel 12(!) times. I went through the exercise and couldn’t think of many teams that would have failed to get him to 1,000 yards, let alone 627. Patrick Mahomes would turn this guy into prime DeSean Jackson.

My other answer is Jarrett Allen of the Nets, but people are really sick of me talking about Jarrett Allen. I just want to say, truthfully, in case this sweetens the deal, that I would physically carry him from Brooklyn to Orlando to replace Vuc if that’s what it took.

Pat: Curtis Samuel is on my dynasty team so I am also familiar with that Twitter thread. As for the question, I'd start this by pointing out that we don't have adequate stats for the majority of football players outside of the skill positions. Can you name the top 10 offensive linemen or even the top 10 corners? I can't either. So the answer is probably some dope offensive lineman wasting away on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers who is quietly getting paid $15M a year.

But my answer is Mike Trout. And I'm sure this will be met with, "but Pat, he has incredible stats, that's a terrible answer." And my response is, you're right and I don't care. This is my (Zach's) mailbag and I can write about whatever I want. And in this answer I want to write about how the MLB has the greatest baseball player of all time and is completely wasting his awesomeness. I'd ask when the last time you went through his stats was, but I'm guessing the answer is never because he is wasting away in purgatory on the Angels. Look at this shit:

It's preposterous. He already has the 86th most WAR in the history of baseball and he's 28. He's barely into his prime. It's a travesty that Trout isn't more celebrated. And while part of this is his fault for re-signing with the league’s most blah team, most of it is on the MLB who gets more offended at people posting highlights on twitter than teams who cheat their way to World Series wins. Please stop killing America's pastime.

The Olympics have two other sports besides tennis with the same concept of using something (racket/paddle) to hit an object back and forth over a net. They are badminton and table tennis. Between those two, which sport do you think requires more skill/harder to play?  Which would you prefer to go pro in?

Brian Howell from Cincinnati, OH

Pat: I am legitimately torn by which one is harder. I've seen comical rallies in both ping pong and badminton and they are equally ridiculous. I know I’ve never been hornier for sports than this very moment, but these sports are being extremely slept on from a spectator perspective. Anyway, it's possible I am swayed by being a somewhat proficient ping pong player but I'm going to have to go with badminton for a couple reasons.

• I remember it being quite a bit harder than it looked in high school PE.

• I'm pretty sure the shuttlecock (heh) can travel over 200 mph or something like that.

• There's way more running and the rallies consistently last a long time. Not a ton of running. But definitely more than table tennis. Look how tired those guys are.

• Did I mention the object goes 200 mph.

As for the second part of the question, I would much rather go pro in ping pong. If my entire life is centered around a somewhat obscure sport, I would at least want to be able to show that skill off semi regularly. Not a lot of badminton courts posted up around the states outside of family BBQs, and I'm not trying to go Meet the Parents on someone's aunt just to prove my life's work was worth it. That being said, I'd amend this statement based on potential salaries of each sport. You'll be shocked to hear I have absolutely no concept of what these players are making.

Zach: I would still prefer to go pro in something other than sports.

Table tennis or, if you aren’t a narc, ping pong, is one of the more humbling games out there. You can be king dick among your group of friends and then get completely embarrassed by somebody with a small amount of formal training. I once watched a VICE video about a 16-year-old table tennis prodigy, and the kids go to school at ping pong academies and spend hours working on their footwork. I can’t remember the last time I played without drinking. 

I still believe table tennis would be harder to play professionally, but some research led me to some interesting facts. Google estimates that 300M people play table tennis around the world, but 220M play badminton. That is a lot of badminton. Still, 80M fewer people means there’s less competition to make it to the big leagues. I just assume I’ll be poor either way and that I’m in it for the glory and the chance to represent my country at the Olympics. Also, the movement of the shuttlecock and the length of badminton rallies are mesmerizing. It’s like playing a game exclusively made up of Tim Wakefield knuckleballs. 

Finally, in the one thread I found on the Internet that addresses this exact question (shoutout MyTableTennis.net), I got this answer:

Hard to argue with The Shakehander. This guy must be swimming in it.

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Thanks again for reading and sending questions. There will be a part three, so keep them coming.

We’d like to once more plug the upcoming Zoom/podcast/video of our fantasy draft and first episode recap of The Challenge. Tune in tonight so you can kill your brain cells and understand what we’re talking about.

No Sports Chronicles: Day 12 (Mailbag Pt. 1)

My buddy Pat is one of the few people I know who also regularly sends their friends 3,000-word manifestos about their personal suffering. He had the idea of teaming up for a No Sports Chronicles mailbag. Here we are.

Pat is a born-and-bred Michigander. He suffered through Michigan sports as an undergrad and again as an MBA student. He has suffered through Detroit sports his entire life. He has suffered through his 30s for several years now. I’m losing count.

We sent a request for mailbag questions to a lot of friends and family, thinking that at least our siblings would respond and our closest friends would neg us. What we got were too many questions to fit into one post (thank you to everybody for your participation), so we’re going to divide this up into a series. The first post is dedicated to sports-related questions, but feel free to drop in any question you’d like us to answer in the comments. We will likely not answer if eyebrows are facial hair (they are), but that is a question that has been received.

Anyway, Pat wanted walk-up music before we got started. Here we go.

If you were a 5-star high school football recruit, which college would you choose to play for and why?

Cal from Arlington, Virginia

Zach: Great, thought-provoking question from Cal. I have an unconventional answer, but you have to follow my logic. Here was my process:

• I am a quarterback and I want to chuck the ball. It is my scenario and I can play whichever position I want. 

  • We have eliminated the triple-option schools (I’m not a runner) and most of the Big 10. 

• I believe I will play in the NFL, even if most of us will go pro in something other than sports. I did not sign up for an education. 

  • We have eliminated Duke and Stanford. Notre Dame was not an accidental omission from this short list. 

• I’m just going to keep it real and admit that I love competition but I don’t love pressure. 

  • We have eliminated Alabama, Clemson, Georgia, Ohio State and Notre Dame. I don’t want their message boards to threaten members of my family. 

• I am a players-coach player. I don’t want to play for Saban or Leach, even if it would optimize my stats or chances of suiting up on Sundays. I don’t want to be locked in a shed for my mistakes. 

  • We have eliminated a lot of coaches. 

• I’m really, really into video tours of new football training facilities. I am a sucker for on-site barber shops and gyms with branded platforms and “PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY” on the walls.

  • We have eliminated zero programs because boosters are sickos. 

• I don’t do well with humidity. “But Zach, you’re from Florida!” My ancestors are from Ukraine. 

  • We have eliminated the SEC, most of the ACC and the Big 12.

• I don’t want to fight for popularity. I want to be in a college town that has nothing else to do but become deeply invested in my success. It sounds selfish, but if the local elementary school teachers aren’t having their kids finger paint portraits of me behind center, I’m not interested. 

  • We have eliminated the remaining Pac 12 schools near big cities.

• I want to have a guaranteed cakewalk to the conference championship game because I play in a brick of a division and want to be in the playoffs.

  • We play in the Pac 12 South.

I first want to thank my family, coaches, teachers, and girlfriend who will no longer be my girlfriend in two weeks. I also want to thank all of the coaches who recruited me, especially Coach O. If you didn’t play in a swamp, I would be there. I find you mesmerizing.

With that, I have decided to join…

Coach Whittingham and the Utah Utes. 

Pat: Wow, I did not expect my criteria to be so different from Zach's. Not totally sure how you square "I am a quarterback" and "I want my town obsessed with me" with "I don't love pressure" but I guess that's for factiously athletic Zach to figure out. That being said Utah's campus is gorgeous and you will definitely be ignored by the rest of the country, so good choice. Anyway, my answer is conventional, but I’ll lay out the logic:

• I'm a cornerback. It's the only position I've wanted to play since watching Charles Woodson graced Ann Arbor with his presence. That and my body is allergic to weight and tall corners are the future. White ones are not, but we are suspending a lot of reality at this point.

• I also believe I am NFL bound. If I get to pick my college, you better believe I'm a top 50 recruit. As such, I didn't come to play school.

  • We've eliminated basically every school outside the top 25ish.

• I'm going somewhere warm. I've made that mistake once (Editor’s note: twice,) I'm not doing that again.

  • We have eliminated half of the remaining schools.

• I'd like to be adequately compensated for my services

  • We've eliminated everyone but SEC teams, USC, Texas, Florida State and Clemson

• I want a good coach who is a players coach. Specifically I don't want Nick Saban screaming at me in my dorm at two in the morning prison style. And I put the good qualifier in there because I realized Clay Helton, Tom Herman, and Mike Norvell were still on my list.

  • We've eliminated Alabama, USC, Texas, and Florida State

At this point, I'm down to Auburn, LSU, Clemson, Georgia and Florida. Of those five I'm eliminating Auburn and Florida off the bat. Tim Tebow kinda ruined the Florida thing for me and I don't want to go play in Alabama's shadow for three years. The final announcement would have three hats, Georgia, LSU, and Clemson. So pretty much the same choice that 95% of recruits are making. My decision is…

I avoid Zach's mistake and go to play for Coach O in the bayou. I'll happily be a frontrunner on this. And a reminder that this video exists, and likely swayed my decision:

This is for Zach, the big baseball opinion-haver. In 1974, Lou Brock nearly doubled his previous personal best single season SB by stealing 118 bases, ranking him 4th all time. Brock was 35 (!) that season. I have two questions. 

Given that speed is supposed to deteriorate quickly and you can't "experience" your way to a stolen base, is this the greatest 35 year old athletic feat of all time? 

Justin from Wilton, Iowa

Zach: Asking me baseball questions was a common theme, because, hand up, it’s not for me. The Astros’ cheating scandal is by far the most exciting thing to happen to the game since the steroid era, which is definitely, completely, unequivocally over. America’s Game is once again pure. 

I was actually a die-hard Atlanta Braves fan as a kid because Chipper Jones was from my home county and got a lot of run in the local press. Rumor has it that if you test the waters of the Halifax River, it will come back as 3% Chipper dip juice. 

What Lou Brock did in 1974 was absolutely wild. I once pulled a hamstring in a company softball game running from first to second on a routine single. I was 24. Stealing 118 bases in professional baseball at 35 shouldn’t be possible, but Pat is more qualified to speak to athletic performance in one’s 30s.

I hit the lab a bit to find other notable performances at 35+. Here’s what’s at the top of my list:

• LeBron’s current(?) season, where he is averaging 25.7/7.9/10.6 with a PER of 26 and 9.5 win shares. He’s also doing it in a real sport, unlike Brock

• Nolan Ryan pitching no-hitters at ages 43 AND 44

• Abby Wambach becoming soccer’s (men’s or women’s) all-time leading goal scorer

• This guy, who taught himself how to dunk with “small hands” (his observation, not mine) at age 41. 

• asdjhiasdhtajhsdtjTomBradyasouugashgasng

• Vince Carter, generally

• Pat maintaining a sub-15 body fat percentage despite his age and diet

Pat: That’s a damn fine list (I just got back from a six-mile run, NBDKBD.) Beyond my obligatory mention of Justin Verlander’s 2019 Cy Young and Nick Lidstrom’s four (!) Norris trophies after turning 35, the only thing I would add is Serena Williams winning a Grand Slam while two-months pregnant. I’ve been informed that producing a child is taxing. 

Ah, and pretty much all of the dogs that have won the Westminster Dog Show.

Rank Big 10 football coaches (I'll help you start: 1. PJ Fleck .....)

Nate from Mankato, Minnesota (real place)

Pat: With that advice, I'm sure my rankings will elicit calm consensus and not general outrage.

1. Ryan Day

2. Jim Harbaugh

3. Paul Chryst

4. PJ Fleck

5. Kirk Ferentz

6. Tom Allen

7. Jeff Brohm

8. Pat Fitzgerald

9. James Franklin

10. Scott Frost

11. Greg Schiano

12. Mel Tucker

13. Lovie Smith

14. Mike Locksley

This was an awesome reminder that Michigan State had to fire Mark Dantonio (sorry, agreed to part ways amicably.) Equally awesome, I couldn’t remember the name of their new coach. Other musings as I was putting together this list:

• Scott Frost is 6-12 in conference (IN THE WEST) and just got a two year extension while making top 15 coaching money. That's the reason I ranked him 10th, not this incredibly dumb football play.

• Keeping Indiana near or above .500 in the Big Ten East is remarkable. Doing it at a school that refuses to acknowledge your existence is Tom Allen.

• Google “James Franklin Timeout.”

• I hate Pat Fitzgerald's face, let's just get that out of the way. But he's had a winning record at NORTHWESTERN 8 of his 14 years there, with four others being 5-7 or above. Have you been to Evanston? Not for me.

• I had no idea what to do with Kirk Ferentz and neither do you.

Zach: I don’t really have an opinion beyond looking at that list and never wanting to attend a Big 10 Media Day. 

Is Jim Harbaugh overrated, underrated or properly rated?

Brian from Plymouth, Minnesota (also real)

Zach: Jim Harbaugh is the bond between Pat and me that can never be broken. For me, Harbaugh is single handedly responsible for resurrecting the near-dead football program of my small liberal arts alma mater in the Bay Area (it’s Stanford). For Pat, Harbaugh is a true Michigan Man, one who is perfectly fit to lead the Go Blue faithful to 10-win seasons and annual post-Thanksgiving depression. For both of us, he represents dominance and hope, until it comes time to win a must-win game against Chip Kelly or Urban Meyer.

Currently, Jim Harbaugh is underrated. The Ohio State games are horrific and exhausting, but he is still an elite recruiter who keeps Michigan in the hunt for most of the season. Being frustrated is fine, but I am a solutions guy and always try to use the “who else?” test before demanding a coach is fired. I can’t think of another gettable coach who could take the program to the next level.

You may not know this, but Jim Harbaugh wears khakis.

Michigan might not win a title in the near future, but there are essentially four teams in the entire country that can. Three are southern, bag-throwing schools that Michigan will never emulate and the other is a criminal enterprise that unfortunately sits in our division. I’m buying Harbaugh stock right now, but I’ll revisit this answer on November 28.  

Pat: I was going to start mine with, “I’m not sure anyone finds him underrated,” so thanks for that breath of fresh air, Zach. 

My answer is properly rated. He is a great coach, Michigan is consistently good again, and everyone needs to shut the fuck up. Yes he can't beat Ohio State. Only seven coaches have beat Ohio State in the past EIGHT YEARS. The people who think he is overrated are Clay Travis, Paul Finnebaum, and those who don't understand recruiting dynamics. That and Michigan fans who are completely delusional about their football program's standing and/or what year we currently live in. I hate this question, I hate Brian for asking it, but mostly I hate our fanbase.

Detroit Pistons over/under playoff series wins in the next three years: one.

Miles from Sacramento, CA

Pat: Oh god, hammer the under. Let me walk you through the next three years of Pistons basketball. Blake Griffin's knees go the way of half the population in Avengers and he's simply unplayable the next two years. But don't worry Pistons fans, this offseason we are going to WAY overpay Christian Wood, give Luke Kennard a comical extension, and sign whatever overpriced free agent that hates himself the most (Hey DeMar DeRozan!!) to create a team that will once again … be the 7-seed.  

The only possibility that the bet is a push is if Sekou Doumbouya turns into little Giannis, but that's assuming something good happens to my sports team, and the smart money is not there. Honestly, it seems more likely he pulls a Calvin Johnson/Barry Sanders. That and we are going to mismanage our salary enough that we won't be able to keep him in 2023 anyway. Anyway, cancelling sports was actually good.

Zach: There is no limit to the amount of money I would pile on the under. This is a fan base that has convinced itself that Christian Wood is David Robinson. Blake is already asking the team for permission to quarantine in Los Angeles for the next 24 months, “just to be safe.”

The only way this changes is with a big free agent acquisition. I just lived through my first two Michigan winters. No meaningful free agent is coming to Midwest Siberia. 

If you could have one specific team’s season from some point in your life canceled before its conclusion and never resumed, which team, which year, and why?

Will from Newton, Massachusetts

Zach: 100% the 2008-09 NBA season, canceled just before the 2009 Finals. Here’s what I know to be true:

1. The Orlando Magic were the best team in the NBA in 2009

2. Absent of your (or my) feelings about Dwight Howard as a human and a player post-Orlando, Dwight was the MVP

3. There was absolutely no way we were going to beat a Kobe-led Lakers in an NBA Finals

4. In the future, I will be on my deathbed thinking about that season as the closest Orlando came in my lifetime to winning a title

I was at the series-clinching Game 5. I rushed home from my first year in college and paid way too much money to sit in the literal worst seat in the NBA’s worst arena and have Kobe and Pau and Lamar take a giant dump on my feelings. 

Now, it’s just a race to see if the Magic can relocate before Florida sinks back into the ocean. 

Pat: I will say, this is a pretty funny year for possibly cancelling seasons. Liverpool is two games away from winning the first Premier League. The Lakers probably would have won the NBA Finals. The Bruins have the most points in the NHL. All these teams are awful, and I am not mad that their impending achievements are on hold.

As for my answer, I was very torn. The only team that was positively affected by Covid-19 is the Astros. We should be a week away from watching Jose Altuve very effectively dodge 95 mph heaters (that's a short joke) and that was taken from us. No team in recent memory deserves a cancelled season more than they do.

But I would obviously use this power selfishly, and I would use it on Louisville basketball. Specifically I would use it on April 7th, 2013. I've (we've) had a lot of time the past two weeks, and I used some of that watching Michigan's 2013 run to the Final Four. I'm pretty sure the Kansas win was my favorite Michigan game ever. Nik Stauskas bombing Florida with six threes in the first half is up there as well. We had six future NBA players but also featured a person named Spike Albrecht. And it was ruined by two pump Pitino and an extremely dirty Louisville team. Considering they eventually had to vacate the championship for "arranging striptease dances and sex acts for prospects, student-athletes and others," I feel pretty justified in this usage. Additionally I would like to re-add Louisville to my recruiting list.

—

We hope you enjoyed that as much as we did. Part 2 will be released soon. Don’t forget to drop new questions in the comments and listen to our sweet outro music.

-Zach & Pat

No Sports Chronicles: Day 11

My MBA program concludes on May 1, but, for very obvious reasons to everybody except a few students who are willing to risk it all for an $80 cap and gown combo from Jostens, we will not have a formal commencement ceremony. As somebody with a last name beginning with Z, I am personally relieved that graduation is cancelled. You really don’t have an appreciation for how many Smiths exist in the world until you’re two hours into the festivities and there’s still a quarter of the alphabet left between you and lunch.

I recognize that this is not a universal opinion and I am certainly not trying to diminish the moment. There are just so many people with reasons to celebrate who are being deprived the opportunity to do so and who are certainly more deserving of recognition. First-generation college students, recently matched residents, and Olympians are just a few of the groups that come to mind, but there’s nothing that I can really say that will do their accomplishments justice.

However, there is one person worthy of praise who I feel compelled to acknowledge. One person who deserves more than a career-ending quarantine. One person whose skill, athleticism and prosperous, cultured hometown of Daytona Beach (my hometown) deserve a proper farewell tour.

That person, is Vince Carter.

I went to Vince’s basketball camp as a kid. I ate at his (no longer functional, but that’s neither here nor there) restaurant. I played at a table near Vince in Daytona’s finest poker room. And I watched Vince grace Orlando with what I thought was the first of his post-prime years but with what really was the beginning of his second prime because the guy is 43 years old and still hooping.

If Paul Piece warrants a nationwide tour de kissassery, so does Vince Carter. He likely won’t get it, so we’ll do our best to give him the above-the-rim celebration he deserves.

What I watched today on YouTube

A metric shitton of Vince Carter highlights.

Vince went to Mainland High School in Daytona Beach. This is where a teenage Zach Zimmerman first attempted the SATs. From the clip above, you will see that Vince’s performance at Mainland was much more impressive than mine.

He is the best athlete to ever come out of Volusia County. That is not up for debate. Look at the clip at 0:13. This is a high schooler with bionic arms. Look at 2:05. No. 40 is now buried under the court, unable to find his peace. If you can ignore the Star Trek synthesizer time machine music, this is in contention for my favorite high school mix tape on YouTube, and I have watched A LOT of high school mixtapes.

There are plenty of in-game highlights to properly capture his somewhat polarizing stint in Toronto, but the most memorable event was the 2000 dunk contest that lit the world on fire. Dunks have evolved since 2000. The naysayers in the comment section can miss me with their links to some Instagram dunker who performs on Venice Beach. This was and will forever the defining moment of the modern dunking era.

Vince made every single dunk on his FIRST ATTEMPT. He used cousin and future Orlando Magic great Tracy McGrady as his primary assist guy. The announcers called the fight halfway through. It was a spectacle that my generation of basketball fans will never forget. I never believed that I would see a better dunk, until…

I need a cigarette. Vince Carter’s dunk over Frederic Weis in the 2000 Sydney Olympics is the greatest in-game dunk of all time. The French announcers just add a little je ne sais quoi to the moment. I just learned from Weis’ Wikipedia that the French media called it “le dunk de la mort.” That is so French and beautiful.

This dunk ended Weis’ career. Weis, a true 7’2”, was drafted 15th overall by the Knicks (lol) in the 1999 draft, but he refused to come to the US and play in the NBA. I, too, would be hesitant to see the guy responsible for the “mort” in le dunk de la mort ever again.

Before you ask yourself why I didn’t know about the Jordan logo at age 9, this was me, circa age 9.

Fun story. Shortly after this dunk, I was in Las Vegas for my uncle’s wedding. I was nine years old and really wanted to get an airbrushed tattoo on my calf, because nine-year-olds are creatures. Anyway, I settled on a very temporary tattoo of the Jordan logo because I thought it was an image of Vince Carter dunking over Weis. The tattoo, unlike this dunk, was an abomination, but I wore that thing proudly as we walked to Circus Circus to play $20 carnival games.

The other very overlooked part of this highlight was Kevin Garnett’s brief flirtation with death. If Vince had landed that post-mort punch, KG’s entire livelihood may have been at risk. Would have been a real shame if Vince had connected and inadvertently stopped the Celtics before the Big Three got together and ruined my life for half a decade.

I am placating myself with this clip, because nobody else really reminisces about the Vince-Orlando era with any level of fondness. But, at the time, I really talked myself into believing that this trade was the trade that would get the team over the hump.

The Magic traded for Vince and Ryan Anderson the year after their finals run, which ended tragically in Orlando with a tearful Zach Zimmerman in the nosebleeds of Amway Arena. Vince replaced Courtney Lee in the starting lineup and was expected to add some serious heat to an already dominant franchise.

I vividly remember his 48-point game as the moment when I aggressively started talking shit to everybody I knew, especially Lakers fans. This was it. The NBA was cooked.

Except, it wasn’t. Let’s bring in YouTube commentor Rel Boogie to summarize the results of the season:

I hope the magics win one before I die.

There is no singular dunk from this reel worth highlighting. The main point is that Vince Carter is/was still effortlessly dunking in his 40s against NBA competition. The fact that he finished career on the Hawks and has been on the fringe of retirement for years has caused us to take him for granted. But before we fully move on to Zion, we cannot and should not forget the specimen that is VC, the four-decade dunker who shattered the ceiling of NBA athleticism.

Vince, here’s to you, your career, and Daytona Beach, Florida, the land of dreams.

What I listened to today

Daytona used to be THE spring break spot. Sometimes, I get deep into the live-beach-performance rabbit hole. I spared your ears with my favorite Blink 182 show from the Bandshell. Instead, you’ll get blessed by Naughty by Nature, live from Daytona Beach in 1993.

—

Let me know which Vince highlights I missed or what other videos I should explore in the comments below.

Hang in there. Sports will be back soon(?)

No Sports Chronicles: Day 10

My friend Pat has about two years of life on me, which has given him and his college group a 24-month head start in finding new, innovative ways to waste time and gamble on sports. One of their greatest inventions is a yearlong pool that they’ve named Champions League.

The concept of Champions League is pretty simple. Eight players collectively agree on 20 categories, each of which is an event that will/can occur over the course of a full calendar year. Categories can range from something as straightforward as the Super Bowl or WNBA champion to something as unpredictable as the home country of the winner of Miss Universe. The world is truly your oyster.

At some point in August, the eight participants are randomly assigned a draft order, and then a snake draft proceeds over the course of several days/weeks until all players have picked a “champion” in all 20 categories. Each time a chosen champion is crowned, all other members send the winning contestant a predetermined prize. If no champion is crowned, which happens more frequently than you’d think (e.g. Joe Burrow going No. 1 in the NFL Draft), nobody wins.

Below is a look at my league’s matrix for 2020-21:

Names blacked out in order to preserve anonymity for the person who picked Shea Patterson for Heisman and No. 1 pick (it was me).

The timing of our inaugural Champions League was not ideal, as this concept typically works better in years without global pandemic and mass cancellations, but we still managed to have a few exhilarating matchups. The first non-weather caution flag at the Daytona 500 was delayed more than 24 hours because of rain. I invested 45 minutes in August researching races of the past 30 years before settling on laps 1-25 with my No. 1 overall pick. The first caution didn’t occur until the 51-75 lap group. A colossal upset.

The Women’s US Open came down to a final between Serena Williams, one of the first picks off the board, and 19-year-old Bianca Andreescu, who none of us had ever heard of but ended up supporting like she was a relative.

But nothing got us going like the most contentious showdown of the year: the Westminster Dog Show.

What I watched today on YouTube

Let’s get a few things out of the way. I am not a dog show judge. I have no idea how the rib cage of a prototypical Great Pyrenees should feel. I can’t tell you the first thing to examine when it comes to the gait of a Yorkshire Terrier. I did, however, have plenty of opinions.

{Not Shown) The head judge gets the festivities going with a tearful thank you to the true, forgotten heroes of America: breeders. I politely ask this question as the proud owner of a rescue dog: what?

(0:12) Stella the boxer, one of X Champions League finalists and the winner of the working dog group, gracefully does her lap. In my mind, the prototypical boxer is the one that chased me on my bike when I was a kid, and Stella seems a lot nicer than that boxer. The biggest issue is her handler’s bright purple socks. This moment isn’t about you, buddy.

(0:25) Fan favorite Daniel the golden retriever is up next. Knicks’ fans finally get the star in Madison Square Garden that they deserve. Trevor Lawrence is the Daniel of quarterbacks.

No Sports Chronicles: Day 6

Just the classic mistake of clicking on an adult dodgeball match. Happens to the best of us.

I thought it would take us at least a week to move past mainstream sports and into some weird, underground spaces, but my buddy Greg went foraging yesterday, and boy did he find some treasure. 

Greg is one of the smartest people I know. He has a master’s degree in engineering from an Ivy League school, loves history, and was my high school valedictorian, which is definitely not something I think about regularly 12 years later. He has no shortage of intellectual curiosities to explore. The fact that he is this deep in the internet on Day 6 is serious cause for concern.

Anyway, I’m not going to not watch a YouTube video that one of my friends recommends. That would be rude. There are only so many pieces of fan fiction about Shaq and Penny staying together for one person to write, and I needed a break.

I wasn’t prepared for World Chase Tag and suggest you sit down before clicking the link below. Here’s some helpful context that will enhance your viewing pleasure:

• World Chase Tag is literally just playground tag but played by adults who are really good at parkour on some sort of obstacle course/jungle gym. It is insane. The “Godfather of Parkour” is on one of the teams. I would get tagged immediately.

• In each round, there is one Chaser and one Evader. The goal for the Evader is to evade the Chaser for 20 seconds. We like the Evaders because they’re effectively trying to practice social distancing. The goal of the Chasers is to tag the Evader within the 20-second window. The Chasers are the college kids at Señor Frogs tonight with a fake ID.

• If a Chaser wins the round, they become the Evader. If an Evader wins a round, they remain the Evader until they are tagged, king-of-the-hill style.

• Each match consists of 20 rounds, and each successful evade gets one point. The team with the most points after 20 rounds wins the match.

Okay, strap in.

What I watched today on YouTube

So many highlights to unpack:

• (0:09) We start with a bang. Charles on United falls victim to the moment of Quarterfinal 3 at WCT 4 (I’m sure WCTs 1-3 were electric) and doesn’t move when the buzzer sounds. Weird play. Might be the ole’ tag rope-a-dope, but I’m a novice viewer and haven’t dug into advanced tag strategy. He somehow manages to tag his opponent in 9.7 seconds, which says a lot more about his opponent.

• (1:12) I’d like to introduce you to Caryl, one of my favorite taggers. My guy always has a smile on his face and is the first person to dap up the other team at the end of the round. However, I learned from future videos (I watched about 50 minutes of WCT last night) that Caryl has an interesting backstory. He used to be a member of Blacklist, which is the Monstars of tag. He didn’t make the team this year, but (SPOILER ALERT) is a critical part of United’s win vs. Blacklist in the next round. If it’s not clear, I am a big United fan.

• (3:14) We have what looks to be our first point of the game. Ugen’s Dayne is flying all over the course and Clement can barely keep up. Just when it looks like it’s in the bag, Clement risks his body and does a desperation slide with his arms raised. He grazes Dayne just as he crashes into one of the strangely positioned metal poles. You need guys like Clement on your team.

• (3:53) Michael Jordan has five MVP awards. Serena Williams has won 23 Grand Slams. Even with 0 goals scored, Wayne Gretzky would still be the NHL's all-time leading scorer. But no athlete of our time compares to Haroon. Haroon has never successfully been evaded. Ever. The commentators unapologetically fawn over him, and for good reason. He’s the best to ever do it.

• (4:25) BUT WAIT, are we about to witness history? We have our first DTR - Disputed Tag Review. There’s some controversy over Haroon’s alleged touch. Fortunately, the six(!) replay experts huddling around the monitors are able to sort through the footage and correctly award Haroon with the tag. There was never any doubt. Nobody will ever escape Haroon.

• (5:25) At the halfway mark, Chase 10, we get our first and only point of the game. Loic successfully evades Alberto by making incredible work of the “Tilted Cue/Queue/Q(?)” Phenomenal footwork by Loic, but your heart has to go out to Alberto. You hate to concede the one and only point of the match in the freaking WCT 4.

I encourage you to watch the rest of the match and then every other match on YouTube.

What I listened to today

I needed a way to mellow out after the adrenaline rush I got from grown man tag. I really love this entire album from Lane 8, even if it makes me a little sleepy when I’m working from my bed.

Today’s Sports Hero

It’s Tom Brady. What an incredible career in New England, he deserves nothing but the best in Tampa—

Just kidding. It’s Haroon.

—

Hang in there. Sports will be back soon(?).

No Sports Chronicles: Day 5

Friends,

I want to preface the first of what might be many entries in the No Sports Chronicles with a message: Coronavirus is an actual pandemic. It’s not the flu, it’s not a conspiracy and it’s not an excuse to go to Kid Rock’s shitty restaurant or wherever it is that you spend your time. I have been banging this drum loudly since we became aware of the potential fallout, and I feel fortunate that my friends haven’t booted me from every group chat for bombarding them with grim news and projections. Take this seriously and stay at home. It will get worse before it gets better, but we have the power to determine just how much worse. 

With that out of the way, we are on ~Day 5 of no sports. If you’re like me, you’ve severely underestimated your sports-viewing habit and are now realizing just how large the gaping hole in your life really is. The irony of the situation is that we now have more time than ever to watch March Madness, early-season baseball, and our (my) Orlando Magic limp into an inevitable first-round playoff massacre (Giannis can’t sweep us if there’s no basketball). We now have to find other ways to fill our uninspiring and sedentary lives. 

I’m too washed to reteach myself how to play sports video games. In my prime, there were like four buttons you needed to master to beat your roommate. Kids today are studying 4-3 defenses and VR’ing themselves into Gruden’s QB Camp to become mediocre Madden players. I don’t have the patience or fine motor skills to handle that pressure. 

Instead, I’m going to feed my YouTube addiction and write a bit until sports are back. They will be back, right?

What I watched today on YouTube


There are three key takeaways from Steph Curry’s 40-point performance vs. Gonzaga in Round 1 of the 2008 NCAA Tournament.

1) Steph’s 2008 run has not been replicated. I was born in 1990. My meaningful basketball memories, excluding a weird obsession with Detlef Schrempf’s name, started in 1998. I personally cannot think of a more exciting and dominating individual performance than Steph’s in the 2008 tournament. Look at his teammates. At the 2:34 mark, with 1:11 left in a 74-74 game, No. 14 (refuse to look up his name after this shot) bricks a three that I will have nightmares about tonight. Gonzaga picked Steph up at 35 feet in a college game and he still scored half of his team’s points in a first-round upset. Jimmer and Kemba and Adam Morrison and Zion and Derrick Rose were all thrilling, but Steph’s run was wild.

2) Curry genes remain undefeated. I don’t know if you knew this, but Curry’s dad, Dell Curry, played in the NBA and was also a shooter. I also don’t know if you knew this, but his mom, Sonya Curry, is attractive and comes to his games. What we now all know for certain is that Steph, Sonya, and (sort of) Dell look the same 12 years later. I want to punt my phone into the ocean every time I see a picture of myself from five years ago. 

3) Short length. When I was six, my mom bought me a pair of basketball shorts for camp that just reached my knees. I was mortified. I thought I looked like a go-go dancer. Steph probably weighs a buck fifty in this game and is wearing XXL shorts. He looks like a kid playing basketball dress-up. There are times where I can’t tell if he’s wearing Davidson shorts or a Davidson-branded kilt. 

This put me down a rabbit hole of my favorite big basketball shorts-wearers. (Let me know who I missed.)

A good cross-draft would have blown all of these guys out of the arena. Steve Nash could fit an MVP Trophy in each shorts leg and still have enough fabric left over to craft a headband.

Today’s Sports Hero

Bill O’Brien. Coronavirus was really getting us down, and, as Americans, we needed someone to do something silly and irrational so we could occupy a full media cycle. Thank you, Coach O’Brien, for stepping up to the plate and trading a generational player out of the blue for pennies on the dollar. We tip our caps, which we are wearing indoors because we are not showering. 

--

Hang in there. Sports will be back soon(?).

Edit: Forgot TJ Ford. Too good to omit. (H/T Justin B)