Just the classic mistake of clicking on an adult dodgeball match. Happens to the best of us.
I thought it would take us at least a week to move past mainstream sports and into some weird, underground spaces, but my buddy Greg went foraging yesterday, and boy did he find some treasure.
Greg is one of the smartest people I know. He has a master’s degree in engineering from an Ivy League school, loves history, and was my high school valedictorian, which is definitely not something I think about regularly 12 years later. He has no shortage of intellectual curiosities to explore. The fact that he is this deep in the internet on Day 6 is serious cause for concern.
Anyway, I’m not going to not watch a YouTube video that one of my friends recommends. That would be rude. There are only so many pieces of fan fiction about Shaq and Penny staying together for one person to write, and I needed a break.
I wasn’t prepared for World Chase Tag and suggest you sit down before clicking the link below. Here’s some helpful context that will enhance your viewing pleasure:
World Chase Tag is literally just playground tag but played by adults who are really good at parkour on some sort of obstacle course/jungle gym. It is insane. The “Godfather of Parkour” is on one of the teams. I would get tagged immediately.
In each round, there is one Chaser and one Evader. The goal for the Evader is to evade the Chaser for 20 seconds. We like the Evaders because they’re effectively trying to practice social distancing. The goal of the Chasers is to tag the Evader within the 20-second window. The Chasers are the college kids at Señor Frogs tonight with a fake ID.
If a Chaser wins the round, they become the Evader. If an Evader wins a round, they remain the Evader until they are tagged, king-of-the-hill style.
Each match consists of 20 rounds, and each successful evade gets one point. The team with the most points after 20 rounds wins the match.
Okay, strap in.
What I watched today on YouTube
So many highlights to unpack:
(0:09) We start with a bang. Charles on United falls victim to the moment of Quarterfinal 3 at WCT 4 (I’m sure WCTs 1-3 were electric) and doesn’t move when the buzzer sounds. Weird play. Might be the ole’ tag rope-a-dope, but I’m a novice viewer and haven’t dug into advanced tag strategy. He somehow manages to tag his opponent in 9.7 seconds, which says a lot more about his opponent.
(1:12) I’d like to introduce you to Caryl, one of my favorite taggers. My guy always has a smile on his face and is the first person to dap up the other team at the end of the round. However, I learned from future videos (I watched about 50 minutes of WCT last night) that Caryl has an interesting backstory. He used to be a member of Blacklist, which is the Monstars of tag. He didn’t make the team this year, but (SPOILER ALERT) is a critical part of United’s win vs. Blacklist in the next round. If it’s not clear, I am a big United fan.
(3:14) We have what looks to be our first point of the game. Ugen’s Dayne is flying all over the course and Clement can barely keep up. Just when it looks like it’s in the bag, Clement risks his body and does a desperation slide with his arms raised. He grazes Dayne just as he crashes into one of the strangely positioned metal poles. You need guys like Clement on your team.
(3:53) Michael Jordan has five MVP awards. Serena Williams has won 23 Grand Slams. Even with 0 goals scored, Wayne Gretzky would still be the NHL's all-time leading scorer. But no athlete of our time compares to Haroon. Haroon has never successfully been evaded. Ever. The commentators unapologetically fawn over him, and for good reason. He’s the best to ever do it.
(4:25) BUT WAIT, are we about to witness history? We have our first DTR - Disputed Tag Review. There’s some controversy over Haroon’s alleged touch. Fortunately, the six(!) replay experts huddling around the monitors are able to sort through the footage and correctly award Haroon with the tag. There was never any doubt. Nobody will ever escape Haroon.
(5:25) At the halfway mark, Chase 10, we get our first and only point of the game. Loic successfully evades Alberto by making incredible work of the “Tilted Cue/Queue/Q(?)” Phenomenal footwork by Loic, but your heart has to go out to Alberto. You hate to concede the one and only point of the match in the freaking WCT 4.
I encourage you to watch the rest of the match and then every other match on YouTube.
What I listened to today
I needed a way to mellow out after the adrenaline rush I got from grown man tag. I really love this entire album from Lane 8, even if it makes me a little sleepy when I’m working from my bed.
Today’s Sports Hero
It’s Tom Brady. What an incredible career in New England, he deserves nothing but the best in Tampa—
Just kidding. It’s Haroon.
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Hang in there. Sports will be back soon(?).