My buddy Pat is one of the few people I know who also regularly sends their friends 3,000-word manifestos about their personal suffering. He had the idea of teaming up for a No Sports Chronicles mailbag. Here we are.
Pat is a born-and-bred Michigander. He suffered through Michigan sports as an undergrad and again as an MBA student. He has suffered through Detroit sports his entire life. He has suffered through his 30s for several years now. I’m losing count.
We sent a request for mailbag questions to a lot of friends and family, thinking that at least our siblings would respond and our closest friends would neg us. What we got were too many questions to fit into one post (thank you to everybody for your participation), so we’re going to divide this up into a series. The first post is dedicated to sports-related questions, but feel free to drop in any question you’d like us to answer in the comments. We will likely not answer if eyebrows are facial hair (they are), but that is a question that has been received.
Anyway, Pat wanted walk-up music before we got started. Here we go.
If you were a 5-star high school football recruit, which college would you choose to play for and why?
Cal from Arlington, Virginia
Zach: Great, thought-provoking question from Cal. I have an unconventional answer, but you have to follow my logic. Here was my process:
I am a quarterback and I want to chuck the ball. It is my scenario and I can play whichever position I want.
We have eliminated the triple-option schools (I’m not a runner) and most of the Big 10.
I believe I will play in the NFL, even if most of us will go pro in something other than sports. I did not sign up for an education.
We have eliminated Duke and Stanford. Notre Dame was not an accidental omission from this short list.
I’m just going to keep it real and admit that I love competition but I don’t love pressure.
We have eliminated Alabama, Clemson, Georgia, Ohio State and Notre Dame. I don’t want their message boards to threaten members of my family.
I am a players-coach player. I don’t want to play for Saban or Leach, even if it would optimize my stats or chances of suiting up on Sundays. I don’t want to be locked in a shed for my mistakes.
We have eliminated a lot of coaches.
I’m really, really into video tours of new football training facilities. I am a sucker for on-site barber shops and gyms with branded platforms and “PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY” on the walls.
We have eliminated zero programs because boosters are sickos.
I don’t do well with humidity. “But Zach, you’re from Florida!” My ancestors are from Ukraine.
We have eliminated the SEC, most of the ACC and the Big 12.
I don’t want to fight for popularity. I want to be in a college town that has nothing else to do but become deeply invested in my success. It sounds selfish, but if the local elementary school teachers aren’t having their kids finger paint portraits of me behind center, I’m not interested.
We have eliminated the remaining Pac 12 schools near big cities.
I want to have a guaranteed cakewalk to the conference championship game because I play in a brick of a division and want to be in the playoffs.
We play in the Pac 12 South.
I first want to thank my family, coaches, teachers, and girlfriend who will no longer be my girlfriend in two weeks. I also want to thank all of the coaches who recruited me, especially Coach O. If you didn’t play in a swamp, I would be there. I find you mesmerizing.
With that, I have decided to join…
Coach Whittingham and the Utah Utes.
Pat: Wow, I did not expect my criteria to be so different from Zach's. Not totally sure how you square "I am a quarterback" and "I want my town obsessed with me" with "I don't love pressure" but I guess that's for factiously athletic Zach to figure out. That being said Utah's campus is gorgeous and you will definitely be ignored by the rest of the country, so good choice. Anyway, my answer is conventional, but I’ll lay out the logic:
I'm a cornerback. It's the only position I've wanted to play since watching Charles Woodson graced Ann Arbor with his presence. That and my body is allergic to weight and tall corners are the future. White ones are not, but we are suspending a lot of reality at this point.
I also believe I am NFL bound. If I get to pick my college, you better believe I'm a top 50 recruit. As such, I didn't come to play school.
We've eliminated basically every school outside the top 25ish.
I'm going somewhere warm. I've made that mistake once (Editor’s note: twice,) I'm not doing that again.
We have eliminated half of the remaining schools.
I'd like to be adequately compensated for my services
We've eliminated everyone but SEC teams, USC, Texas, Florida State and Clemson
I want a good coach who is a players coach. Specifically I don't want Nick Saban screaming at me in my dorm at two in the morning prison style. And I put the good qualifier in there because I realized Clay Helton, Tom Herman, and Mike Norvell were still on my list.
We've eliminated Alabama, USC, Texas, and Florida State
At this point, I'm down to Auburn, LSU, Clemson, Georgia and Florida. Of those five I'm eliminating Auburn and Florida off the bat. Tim Tebow kinda ruined the Florida thing for me and I don't want to go play in Alabama's shadow for three years. The final announcement would have three hats, Georgia, LSU, and Clemson. So pretty much the same choice that 95% of recruits are making. My decision is…
I avoid Zach's mistake and go to play for Coach O in the bayou. I'll happily be a frontrunner on this. And a reminder that this video exists, and likely swayed my decision:
This is for Zach, the big baseball opinion-haver. In 1974, Lou Brock nearly doubled his previous personal best single season SB by stealing 118 bases, ranking him 4th all time. Brock was 35 (!) that season. I have two questions.
Given that speed is supposed to deteriorate quickly and you can't "experience" your way to a stolen base, is this the greatest 35 year old athletic feat of all time?
Justin from Wilton, Iowa
Zach: Asking me baseball questions was a common theme, because, hand up, it’s not for me. The Astros’ cheating scandal is by far the most exciting thing to happen to the game since the steroid era, which is definitely, completely, unequivocally over. America’s Game is once again pure.
I was actually a die-hard Atlanta Braves fan as a kid because Chipper Jones was from my home county and got a lot of run in the local press. Rumor has it that if you test the waters of the Halifax River, it will come back as 3% Chipper dip juice.
What Lou Brock did in 1974 was absolutely wild. I once pulled a hamstring in a company softball game running from first to second on a routine single. I was 24. Stealing 118 bases in professional baseball at 35 shouldn’t be possible, but Pat is more qualified to speak to athletic performance in one’s 30s.
I hit the lab a bit to find other notable performances at 35+. Here’s what’s at the top of my list:
LeBron’s current(?) season, where he is averaging 25.7/7.9/10.6 with a PER of 26 and 9.5 win shares. He’s also doing it in a real sport, unlike Brock
Nolan Ryan pitching no-hitters at ages 43 AND 44
Abby Wambach becoming soccer’s (men’s or women’s) all-time leading goal scorer
This guy, who taught himself how to dunk with “small hands” (his observation, not mine) at age 41.
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Vince Carter, generally
Pat maintaining a sub-15 body fat percentage despite his age and diet
Pat: That’s a damn fine list (I just got back from a six-mile run, NBDKBD.) Beyond my obligatory mention of Justin Verlander’s 2019 Cy Young and Nick Lidstrom’s four (!) Norris trophies after turning 35, the only thing I would add is Serena Williams winning a Grand Slam while two-months pregnant. I’ve been informed that producing a child is taxing.
Ah, and pretty much all of the dogs that have won the Westminster Dog Show.
Rank Big 10 football coaches (I'll help you start: 1. PJ Fleck .....)
Nate from Mankato, Minnesota (real place)
Pat: With that advice, I'm sure my rankings will elicit calm consensus and not general outrage.
Ryan Day
Jim Harbaugh
Paul Chryst
PJ Fleck
Kirk Ferentz
Tom Allen
Jeff Brohm
Pat Fitzgerald
James Franklin
Scott Frost
Greg Schiano
Mel Tucker
Lovie Smith
Mike Locksley
This was an awesome reminder that Michigan State had to fire Mark Dantonio (sorry, agreed to part ways amicably.) Equally awesome, I couldn’t remember the name of their new coach. Other musings as I was putting together this list:
Scott Frost is 6-12 in conference (IN THE WEST) and just got a two year extension while making top 15 coaching money. That's the reason I ranked him 10th, not this incredibly dumb football play.
Keeping Indiana near or above .500 in the Big Ten East is remarkable. Doing it at a school that refuses to acknowledge your existence is Tom Allen.
I hate Pat Fitzgerald's face, let's just get that out of the way. But he's had a winning record at NORTHWESTERN 8 of his 14 years there, with four others being 5-7 or above. Have you been to Evanston? Not for me.
I had no idea what to do with Kirk Ferentz and neither do you.
Zach: I don’t really have an opinion beyond looking at that list and never wanting to attend a Big 10 Media Day.
Is Jim Harbaugh overrated, underrated or properly rated?
Brian from Plymouth, Minnesota (also real)
Zach: Jim Harbaugh is the bond between Pat and me that can never be broken. For me, Harbaugh is single handedly responsible for resurrecting the near-dead football program of my small liberal arts alma mater in the Bay Area (it’s Stanford). For Pat, Harbaugh is a true Michigan Man, one who is perfectly fit to lead the Go Blue faithful to 10-win seasons and annual post-Thanksgiving depression. For both of us, he represents dominance and hope, until it comes time to win a must-win game against Chip Kelly or Urban Meyer.
Currently, Jim Harbaugh is underrated. The Ohio State games are horrific and exhausting, but he is still an elite recruiter who keeps Michigan in the hunt for most of the season. Being frustrated is fine, but I am a solutions guy and always try to use the “who else?” test before demanding a coach is fired. I can’t think of another gettable coach who could take the program to the next level.
You may not know this, but Jim Harbaugh wears khakis.
Michigan might not win a title in the near future, but there are essentially four teams in the entire country that can. Three are southern, bag-throwing schools that Michigan will never emulate and the other is a criminal enterprise that unfortunately sits in our division. I’m buying Harbaugh stock right now, but I’ll revisit this answer on November 28.
Pat: I was going to start mine with, “I’m not sure anyone finds him underrated,” so thanks for that breath of fresh air, Zach.
My answer is properly rated. He is a great coach, Michigan is consistently good again, and everyone needs to shut the fuck up. Yes he can't beat Ohio State. Only seven coaches have beat Ohio State in the past EIGHT YEARS. The people who think he is overrated are Clay Travis, Paul Finnebaum, and those who don't understand recruiting dynamics. That and Michigan fans who are completely delusional about their football program's standing and/or what year we currently live in. I hate this question, I hate Brian for asking it, but mostly I hate our fanbase.
Detroit Pistons over/under playoff series wins in the next three years: one.
Miles from Sacramento, CA
Pat: Oh god, hammer the under. Let me walk you through the next three years of Pistons basketball. Blake Griffin's knees go the way of half the population in Avengers and he's simply unplayable the next two years. But don't worry Pistons fans, this offseason we are going to WAY overpay Christian Wood, give Luke Kennard a comical extension, and sign whatever overpriced free agent that hates himself the most (Hey DeMar DeRozan!!) to create a team that will once again … be the 7-seed.
The only possibility that the bet is a push is if Sekou Doumbouya turns into little Giannis, but that's assuming something good happens to my sports team, and the smart money is not there. Honestly, it seems more likely he pulls a Calvin Johnson/Barry Sanders. That and we are going to mismanage our salary enough that we won't be able to keep him in 2023 anyway. Anyway, cancelling sports was actually good.
Zach: There is no limit to the amount of money I would pile on the under. This is a fan base that has convinced itself that Christian Wood is David Robinson. Blake is already asking the team for permission to quarantine in Los Angeles for the next 24 months, “just to be safe.”
The only way this changes is with a big free agent acquisition. I just lived through my first two Michigan winters. No meaningful free agent is coming to Midwest Siberia.
If you could have one specific team’s season from some point in your life canceled before its conclusion and never resumed, which team, which year, and why?
Will from Newton, Massachusetts
Zach: 100% the 2008-09 NBA season, canceled just before the 2009 Finals. Here’s what I know to be true:
The Orlando Magic were the best team in the NBA in 2009
Absent of your (or my) feelings about Dwight Howard as a human and a player post-Orlando, Dwight was the MVP
There was absolutely no way we were going to beat a Kobe-led Lakers in an NBA Finals
In the future, I will be on my deathbed thinking about that season as the closest Orlando came in my lifetime to winning a title
I was at the series-clinching Game 5. I rushed home from my first year in college and paid way too much money to sit in the literal worst seat in the NBA’s worst arena and have Kobe and Pau and Lamar take a giant dump on my feelings.
Now, it’s just a race to see if the Magic can relocate before Florida sinks back into the ocean.
Pat: I will say, this is a pretty funny year for possibly cancelling seasons. Liverpool is two games away from winning the first Premier League. The Lakers probably would have won the NBA Finals. The Bruins have the most points in the NHL. All these teams are awful, and I am not mad that their impending achievements are on hold.
As for my answer, I was very torn. The only team that was positively affected by Covid-19 is the Astros. We should be a week away from watching Jose Altuve very effectively dodge 95 mph heaters (that's a short joke) and that was taken from us. No team in recent memory deserves a cancelled season more than they do.
But I would obviously use this power selfishly, and I would use it on Louisville basketball. Specifically I would use it on April 7th, 2013. I've (we've) had a lot of time the past two weeks, and I used some of that watching Michigan's 2013 run to the Final Four. I'm pretty sure the Kansas win was my favorite Michigan game ever. Nik Stauskas bombing Florida with six threes in the first half is up there as well. We had six future NBA players but also featured a person named Spike Albrecht. And it was ruined by two pump Pitino and an extremely dirty Louisville team. Considering they eventually had to vacate the championship for "arranging striptease dances and sex acts for prospects, student-athletes and others," I feel pretty justified in this usage. Additionally I would like to re-add Louisville to my recruiting list.
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We hope you enjoyed that as much as we did. Part 2 will be released soon. Don’t forget to drop new questions in the comments and listen to our sweet outro music.
-Zach & Pat
